Hey Meg - well done on pushing this as far as you have in the time available. I find your characters readable and appealing and I think it's working nicely in most aspects. I have a couple of suggestions in terms of the readability of the story:
1) I think the dialogue needs to work a bit harder and maybe foreshadow the ending more so - at the moment, I'm a bit worried that people might think Arthur has died at the end: we see an open bed truck taking his stuff away and we're left looking at his stick. So a) I think Maggie needs to say something like 'It's no good you being couped up in here like this. It's like a dusty old museum in here' - this, in addition to what she's already saying, so we get a stronger sense that she/we want Arthur to 'move on' and start something good someplace else. I also think the removal van shot needs to be more explicit that it is a removal van (not a truck taking his stuff away) so let us see the words 'Removal Van' on the side of it and maybe some kind of hopeful tagline like 'Blah Blah Removals - We'll Make Your New House A Home' - something that tells us what's happening and also what we're supposed to think about it.
2) I think the other issue here is that it appears that the 'disappearing stuff' happens all in one moment. I think this sequence could be extended so that we get a stronger sense of him noticing the various gaps in his collection and how he feels about it - so a greater variety of shots - so cutting between close-ups of the outline of the missing object as picked out by the dust on the shelves (so in this way we're shown what's missing so we can map that knowledge onto the objects we're shown later), to close-ups of his reaction, back to those wide shots of him moving to another shelf etc. I think the sequencing of this moment could be more 'staccato' in terms of number of shots and combination of edits, creating a bit more drama so the audience can 'feel' his growing distress as well as see it.
3) In terms of character design, I don't think a man of Arthur's generation would ever wear his hat indoors - wearing your hat indoors (if you're a man of certain age!) is considered impolite, so I think he'd look better and more 'inside/homely' without it - with his hat on, it looks like he's planning on leaving at any moment.
4) In terms of 'showing' - I think you need to include some more shots around Arthur and his walking stick when he's first faced with the prospect of going upstairs. You show him looking up at the stairs, but I think we need to see him looking at the stick (then show us the stick) then show us his face looking distressed, then cut back to the stairs again (maybe with a bit of forced perspective for a more emotionalised shot telling us what he's feeling about them) and so on - I think you need to build up a collection of shots that tell us that Arthur's thought processes are running thus: 'I've got to go up those stairs. I can't go up those stairs because of my stick. But I've got to go up those stairs. I can't go up the stairs - my stick...' etc. I don't think Arthur's reliance on that stick and him using it as his excuse is actually on screen yet for the audience to understand.
So - just give some thought to 'showing' more of what Arthur is thinking and feeling by getting into some intercutting between certain shots, the combination of which will express more of what's going on in Arthur's head.
OGR 07/02/18
ReplyDeleteHey Meg - well done on pushing this as far as you have in the time available. I find your characters readable and appealing and I think it's working nicely in most aspects. I have a couple of suggestions in terms of the readability of the story:
1) I think the dialogue needs to work a bit harder and maybe foreshadow the ending more so - at the moment, I'm a bit worried that people might think Arthur has died at the end: we see an open bed truck taking his stuff away and we're left looking at his stick. So a) I think Maggie needs to say something like 'It's no good you being couped up in here like this. It's like a dusty old museum in here' - this, in addition to what she's already saying, so we get a stronger sense that she/we want Arthur to 'move on' and start something good someplace else. I also think the removal van shot needs to be more explicit that it is a removal van (not a truck taking his stuff away) so let us see the words 'Removal Van' on the side of it and maybe some kind of hopeful tagline like 'Blah Blah Removals - We'll Make Your New House A Home' - something that tells us what's happening and also what we're supposed to think about it.
2) I think the other issue here is that it appears that the 'disappearing stuff' happens all in one moment. I think this sequence could be extended so that we get a stronger sense of him noticing the various gaps in his collection and how he feels about it - so a greater variety of shots - so cutting between close-ups of the outline of the missing object as picked out by the dust on the shelves (so in this way we're shown what's missing so we can map that knowledge onto the objects we're shown later), to close-ups of his reaction, back to those wide shots of him moving to another shelf etc. I think the sequencing of this moment could be more 'staccato' in terms of number of shots and combination of edits, creating a bit more drama so the audience can 'feel' his growing distress as well as see it.
3) In terms of character design, I don't think a man of Arthur's generation would ever wear his hat indoors - wearing your hat indoors (if you're a man of certain age!) is considered impolite, so I think he'd look better and more 'inside/homely' without it - with his hat on, it looks like he's planning on leaving at any moment.
4) In terms of 'showing' - I think you need to include some more shots around Arthur and his walking stick when he's first faced with the prospect of going upstairs. You show him looking up at the stairs, but I think we need to see him looking at the stick (then show us the stick) then show us his face looking distressed, then cut back to the stairs again (maybe with a bit of forced perspective for a more emotionalised shot telling us what he's feeling about them) and so on - I think you need to build up a collection of shots that tell us that Arthur's thought processes are running thus: 'I've got to go up those stairs. I can't go up those stairs because of my stick. But I've got to go up those stairs. I can't go up the stairs - my stick...' etc. I don't think Arthur's reliance on that stick and him using it as his excuse is actually on screen yet for the audience to understand.
So - just give some thought to 'showing' more of what Arthur is thinking and feeling by getting into some intercutting between certain shots, the combination of which will express more of what's going on in Arthur's head.