Okay - so as we've established I think you've got the basis of a touching premise for an animated short, but my first instinct of your expression of it here is that it all needs to get a little simpler and it needs to communicate the passing of time (so the archeologist's character can be shown to develop and for the relationship between him and the magpie etc to escalate a little more. At the moment it reads as if everything happens in quite a condensed time-frame. It might help to think of it in its 3 act blocks:
so: ACT 1 - establish your character is a famous archeologist - establish that he is old and living in a house he has turned into a museum of his life; establish that he has a walking-stick; establish that he's now 'living downstairs'; establish that he likes everything in order and everything in its place. This can be done very simply by showing him noticing one of his exhibits a bit out of line and we see him fastidiously putting it right; you can show in this same moment that he uses a walking stick to get around etc. He sits in his chair surrounded by all this stuff and then you have the dream sequence - the young woman coming in and saying disapprovingly... "It's not good for you sitting down here with all this old stuff blah blah. You should go upstairs. You need to keep moving" to which he replies something like 'I can't go upstairs - and he shows the walking stick. I can't manage it. I can't' etc. - I think it would be good if you set-this up in such a way as the audience might think this woman is a carer - so you're holding back the fact that she is his dead wife - so you set this up 'not' as a misty dream sequence, but as a logical continuation of the scenario in front of us. The 'carer' could even joke and say something like 'You're such an old magpie!' etc.
ACT 2 - the conflict - so we see your guy awaken in his chair suddenly and he notices that one of his shinier exhibits (crystals/jewellery/metal ware) are missing (this should have been something we've seen before - probably the same object he tided up in the opening sequence so the audience is alerted to it already). We then see him discover that other things are missing - we see his distress and his bewilderment and then he hears the noise upstairs...
ACT 3: he's at the bottom of the stairs looking up as we hear more clattering noises coming form upstairs (the audience is being led to believe that maybe 'the carer' has been stealing from him and is now upstairs). He resolves to make the climb and up he goes. He's on the landing looking at the different doors - there's one door he looks frightened to open (the audience thinks this is because he's frightened of the burglar?). Finally, he opens this door - and we see that it is a lovely bedroom - there's a 'woman's touch' here - it's pretty, it's peaceful - he looks around, and we see the magpie - it's been taking the stuff from downstairs and bringing it here - the magpie is on the windowsill (the window is open enough) - it looks at him, before flying off. The stuff the bird has nicked is safe and sound. As the bird flies off we see a photograph on the bedside - it's the young archeologist and 'the carer' - actually his late wife - now we understand. We see the character trying to resit his sadness - but he can't - and finally the tears come...
Maybe a final shot... time has passed - exterior of the house - a van outside saying 'Artefacts Collected' (or something blah blah blah) which drives off - the camera moves towards the now empty house and maybe we're left looking at the walking stick - left behind in the hall because out character doesn't need it anymore.
So - in summary - I think you could make it simpler (I actually like the image of the magpies revealing the wife's stuff, but I also think this image is perhaps too surreal and a bit too disturbing for your character?) and also seek to misdirect the audience in terms of their understanding of the woman's role, because right now I think you're giving something away you should hold back until the third act...
OGR 25/01/2018
ReplyDeleteHey Meg,
Okay - so as we've established I think you've got the basis of a touching premise for an animated short, but my first instinct of your expression of it here is that it all needs to get a little simpler and it needs to communicate the passing of time (so the archeologist's character can be shown to develop and for the relationship between him and the magpie etc to escalate a little more. At the moment it reads as if everything happens in quite a condensed time-frame. It might help to think of it in its 3 act blocks:
so: ACT 1 - establish your character is a famous archeologist - establish that he is old and living in a house he has turned into a museum of his life; establish that he has a walking-stick; establish that he's now 'living downstairs'; establish that he likes everything in order and everything in its place. This can be done very simply by showing him noticing one of his exhibits a bit out of line and we see him fastidiously putting it right; you can show in this same moment that he uses a walking stick to get around etc. He sits in his chair surrounded by all this stuff and then you have the dream sequence - the young woman coming in and saying disapprovingly... "It's not good for you sitting down here with all this old stuff blah blah. You should go upstairs. You need to keep moving" to which he replies something like 'I can't go upstairs - and he shows the walking stick. I can't manage it. I can't' etc. - I think it would be good if you set-this up in such a way as the audience might think this woman is a carer - so you're holding back the fact that she is his dead wife - so you set this up 'not' as a misty dream sequence, but as a logical continuation of the scenario in front of us. The 'carer' could even joke and say something like 'You're such an old magpie!' etc.
ACT 2 - the conflict - so we see your guy awaken in his chair suddenly and he notices that one of his shinier exhibits (crystals/jewellery/metal ware) are missing (this should have been something we've seen before - probably the same object he tided up in the opening sequence so the audience is alerted to it already). We then see him discover that other things are missing - we see his distress and his bewilderment and then he hears the noise upstairs...
ACT 3: he's at the bottom of the stairs looking up as we hear more clattering noises coming form upstairs (the audience is being led to believe that maybe 'the carer' has been stealing from him and is now upstairs). He resolves to make the climb and up he goes. He's on the landing looking at the different doors - there's one door he looks frightened to open (the audience thinks this is because he's frightened of the burglar?). Finally, he opens this door - and we see that it is a lovely bedroom - there's a 'woman's touch' here - it's pretty, it's peaceful - he looks around, and we see the magpie - it's been taking the stuff from downstairs and bringing it here - the magpie is on the windowsill (the window is open enough) - it looks at him, before flying off. The stuff the bird has nicked is safe and sound. As the bird flies off we see a photograph on the bedside - it's the young archeologist and 'the carer' - actually his late wife - now we understand. We see the character trying to resit his sadness - but he can't - and finally the tears come...
ReplyDeleteMaybe a final shot... time has passed - exterior of the house - a van outside saying 'Artefacts Collected' (or something blah blah blah) which drives off - the camera moves towards the now empty house and maybe we're left looking at the walking stick - left behind in the hall because out character doesn't need it anymore.
So - in summary - I think you could make it simpler (I actually like the image of the magpies revealing the wife's stuff, but I also think this image is perhaps too surreal and a bit too disturbing for your character?) and also seek to misdirect the audience in terms of their understanding of the woman's role, because right now I think you're giving something away you should hold back until the third act...