Overall, much better in terms of flow/narrative. My only feedback for now is that it has a bit of an abrupt start and ending ("bit of an odd noise" / the fade). I realise there's a soundscape to add yet but I think you're missing something before the first line to let the audience know its coming - the sound of movement or a cough for example. Something subtle so the sudden line doesn't read as a jump scare (unless you want it too?). At the end, again something subtle is needed, like a last walk off screen as we fade to black - Like she is heading back to her bed and leaving the problem behind. You could also use a 'horizontal shutter' to end the shot instead of fading to black - Like an eye closing (black bar from the top and bottom meeting in the middle). They would be a subtle nod towards eyes , sleep/dreaming , a mental landscape , etc.
Overall, much better in terms of flow/narrative. My only feedback for now is that it has a bit of an abrupt start and ending ("bit of an odd noise" / the fade). I realise there's a soundscape to add yet but I think you're missing something before the first line to let the audience know its coming - the sound of movement or a cough for example. Something subtle so the sudden line doesn't read as a jump scare (unless you want it too?). At the end, again something subtle is needed, like a last walk off screen as we fade to black - Like she is heading back to her bed and leaving the problem behind. You could also use a 'horizontal shutter' to end the shot instead of fading to black - Like an eye closing (black bar from the top and bottom meeting in the middle). They would be a subtle nod towards eyes , sleep/dreaming , a mental landscape , etc.
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